This has been a heavy week full of life. This life, with its unexpected highs, tragic lows, and everything in between continues to amaze me. On Saturday, I was informed of some sad news; I learned that a friend of mine had lost her unborn baby boy within two weeks of her due date. This tragic news struck me with tremendous feelings of sadness for my friend and her family. Over the past week, I found myself thinking of her morning, noon, and night. I kept waiting to hear that the person who had delivered this news was mistaken, that it wasn’t true. But that call never came.  I found myself wondering out loud, “How could something like this happen?” and, “Why, did this have to happen?”

When I hear sad things sometimes it is hard for me to let the thoughts go. I am easily distracted by tragic news. I don’t like hearing about things like this but if anything, it awakens me to my own mortality and helps me to connect with the reality that life is fragile. I dislike that devastating news puts me in touch with those feelings and yet I am grateful when I get a chance to touch down and take a look at my life through correct lenses. I have three healthy children, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my fridge, etc. I always go back to gratitude. I don’t wish to be someone who walks around in fear of death or dying, but I certainly would love to be more mindful of the things I take for granted without a jarring incident shaking me up a bit.

My mother told me that one never gets over losing a child; she said that you move on, but you never really forget. My mother would know because her first child was stillborn. I would have had an older sister. Her name was Michelle. My parents were devastated when they lost her. My mother tells me that they would go on long walks crying together down the street like “blubbering idiots” (her words, not mine). They buried her in a small grave in Santa Monica, where she was born, and I was born soon after. I did not know about my older sister until I became an adult. My parents didn’t talk about it much.

Sadly, my mother and my friend are not alone in having lost a child. I have another friend who shared with me her story of losing her first daughter. Her daughter was stillborn as well. An otherwise healthy and happy pregnancy shattered by such an immense loss. I was so touched by her story and her courage in sharing it with me. She had been cautious to share it with me during my pregnancy and waited until Raquel was born because she knew it can be scary for pregnant women to hear stories like hers. When I was pregnant I periodically would be worried about my baby when I heard news of someone having a miscarriage. But as we discussed the birth of her daughter and how she coped with the loss afterwards I was so grateful to hear it. I think I was grateful because I was exposed to someone who had something tragic happen to her, yet resilient enough to grow from the experience.  After going through her stages of grief, she began her spiritual practice and working with others. She has since helped many women connect with their bodies through yoga and bodywork. Every year on the birthday of her daughter, she and her family celebrate her memory with a special ceremony and take the day to enjoy together as a family. It seems so lovely to me that her children will grow up knowing that they had a sister.

As a mom I try not to think about worse case scenarios. If I did, I probably would never leave my house nor have any fun. I have had moments of being fearful of someone I love being taken too soon. I don’t like to talk about death, dying, or loss. I have always had a bit of fear that in doing so might invite it to happen which is silly and perhaps superstitious. But I generally try to make the most of my life as it comes without worrying to much of what could happen. I have heard it said that Mark Twain once wrote, “The worse things in my life never even happened”. I can identify with that because I too have the ability to obsess with negativity, fear, and worry. But as in the real life examples of my friend who just lost her baby, my other friend, and my mother, I know that women are resilient and strong. I know that my friend’s heart will heal in time and I hope that she will not give up on her dream of having more children. I also think there is power in numbers and perhaps women who have lost children can help each other by talking about it.

For today, I am writing with a bit of a heavy heart but I am also busy enjoying my life as it is coming to me. My daughters, my husband, and I are packing for another big trip to Southern California which is sure to be packed full of interesting times. Life continues on it’s own terms, in it’s own time, and all I can do is hang on for the ride, breathe in and out, and try to remember to smile because it goes by so fast and it can be all too short.

Butterfly
“As you danced in the light with joy,
love lifted you. As you brushed against
this world so gently, you lifted us.”
T.C. Ring

For Michelle, Lailah, and Finn, may you rest in peace.