It feels good to be wanted. It feels even better to be loved. I am glad that I am both loved and wanted in my house. Indeed, in my house there are a lot of people who seem to “want a piece of me”. Tonight, as I finished my dinner, my dog, who was sitting there in desperate hope that I would drop something (not a chance dude), started to whine at me. It was clear that she was hungry and wanted me to feed her. I looked down at her and said, “just as soon as I am done, I will get you something”. I’m not sure if she understood me or not, but she cocked her head to one side and for the moment stopped whining. “See”, I thought, “even the dog wants something from me.”
I think to some degree all mother’s, and maybe even some father’s, can relate to feeling frustrated that they need some down time and often aren’t able to get it. Finding a moment of peace someplace in a sanctuary of sorts to regroup with oneself is fundamental to keeping us balanced. For some, their sanctuary is time in their special chair, their craft room, the office, in bed for a nap, or time alone in their “man cave”. At the moment, I have three sanctuaries: the laundry room, the bathroom, and my closet. In those places I can usually get a few moments alone before some one less than four feet tall finds me.
Being tired is usually when I struggle the most with parenting. When I am tired I struggle to keep a smile on my face, I can be short tempered, and I have a hard time keeping myself from uttering loudly the phrase “I need a break!” (a phrase which, unfortunately, is usually uttered to my equally hardworking husband). What I have been thinking about a lot at the beginning of this New Year is how to really take time for myself and get rest when my family needs me and to not wait until I’ve hit that breaking point and then make the mistake of blowing up on them.
In the recent past, I have been guilty of feeling sorry for myself when I wasn’t getting my down time or getting my needs met. For example, I have had a knitting project with one fingerless glove completed and the other one on hold because I can seem to find the time to work on it. I would start working on it after feeding the baby and then I’d put her down for her to crawl around and play. Inevitably she would topple over, bonk her head, start to cry, and then I’d have to put down my knitting, pick her up, and forget about knitting until another time. I have also had moments of feeling sorry for myself when I would sit down to a meal and just as soon as my butt hits the chair or my fork goes to my mouth, one kid wants water, the other wants more food, or the baby wakes up and needs to be fed too. I think about the line from The Christmas Movie where Ralphie talks about his mother not having a hot meal in years (I can relate). Even getting time to check my email, talk on the phone, or return an unwanted Christmas gift are all tasks that begin to tack on to my list of things I have gotten frustrated about not getting time to get done.
On their own, each example seems trivial and silly, but lumped together on a mom with little sleep could lead to a serious case of feeling entitled to say things like “I need a break!”. Worse is a feeling that has come over me of being a martyr. And I have come to believe that most people who have become martyred probably didn’t feel like they were martyrs as they were being them. I know I was named after a Saint, but I’m far from being Sainted anytime soon.
I have always wanted to be a mother and I love my children more than anything but I didn’t realize how much work goes into this job I have. It is the most rewarding and challenging work I have ever done. It is a job that doesn’t always get a break even though I may want one really bad. Thankfully the payout is greater and more touching than any monetary sum I have ever received.
Yesterday, after my husband got home, I briefly went upstairs to get something done, and as I came down the stairs, I saw that the baby had crawled away from him to look for me. I just laughed out loud because this little tiny 9-month-old baby just had to see where I went and came to find me. As soon as she saw me, her little eyes lit up and she grinned her two-teethed smile that just about melted my heart. How could I be annoyed that I can’t even get a minute to myself with that little face smiling up at me?
My work is never done as a mother. The clothes may be clean and neatly folded but often they sit in the laundry basket at the top of the stairs. I am learning to let go of some of the little things that I want to get done, stick to the important ones, and trust that now that I have kids, my knitting may have to wait a little longer than it would have if I were without children (I am almost done with glove #2!). I am getting better at not waiting until I am about to explode to ask for someone to come spend a little extra time watching the kids so I can meet my family for lunch (Caro you rock!). Lastly, I am learning to shrug off my expectations and enjoy these few precious moments when my naked, potty training, two-year-old opens the front door on a 37 degree morning, goes outside, lets the dog out, and I’m running down the street barefoot in my pajamas, while my neighbor across the street stands there and laughs at me. It is my goal in this New Year to enjoy those moments because someday, probably not soon, I will look back and miss them.