As long as I can remember, I have always been a taker. It was very easy for me to get a gift. I still love getting gifts. When I was little, I couldn’t seem to get enough, and very early on I developed a fear that some how I wasn’t going to get my needs or wants met. So, I started stealing in the first grade. I used to sneak into Laura McDonald’s desk, when everyone was at recess and steal her stickers, Hello Kitty wallet, and other things. For some reason, she was always the target. She was petite, had long blond hair, and was very pretty. I was a round child and not blond. I don’t think I picked on her because she was pretty (maybe I did?) but I know I just liked her stuff. Besides getting caught, after confessing to my teacher who noticed I couldn’t pay attention at reading time, I was made to return the things I had taken to her front door. I was so embarrassed. A few times after that my mom busted me taking stickers from the grocery store. We marched right back inside and I gave them back. I think my mom felt like I was feeling deprived, so she supplied me with my own Hello Kitty wallet, lunch box, stickers, and other things. Thankfully, somewhere along the line I learned that stealing wasn’t a good idea and aside from eating jalapeño poppers from Safeway without paying first in college, I haven’t had an issue with taking illegally. But since then, I have always wrestled with having and not having, wanting and not wanting. I have always seemed to want what other people had. The grass was always greener.

For someone who sure does love taking, now I find it ironic that one of my deepest desires is to give back to others. I do not come from money; in fact, my dad was very poor growing up and after he established himself in this country, he and my mom worked very hard to get us through school. Still, I have never wanted for anything. We’ve had more than plenty. Prior to having children, I enjoyed the opportunity to work in the non-profit sector. Working with members of my community who struggled to have enough food to eat, money to pay bills, and education to help make sure their children got access to education, really helped to put my “wants” into perspective. I know I will look back on those experiences as some of the most rewarding moments of my life.

These past few weeks, as we narrowed in on Hanukkah and Christmas, my husband and I discussed how we would thank the people in our lives who have meant a lot to us. These folks have been helping us by teaching our children, caring for our kids so we could take a few moments out to ourselves, and they’ve helped take care of our home. Additionally, we picked a few local causes and chose to make what monetary donations we could to them. For the first time this year, I also participated, along with my daughter Georgia’s schoolteacher, in Coats for the Cold, collecting coats for those in need. I also found myself buying extra groceries for a local food drive.

I write about these acts of giving not to say, “Hey! Look at how great I am everybody!” but to express how these opportunities to give back might have helped shift me away from being such a taker this time of year. I haven’t felt the normal surge of the holidays I used to feel around spending, shopping, and getting. I haven’t gotten cross at the person who snagged my parking spot or yell obscenities back at the old dude who was yelling them at me, I haven’t flipped anybody the bird, and I haven’t felt frenzied at all really.  Lastly, I haven’t spent anytime wondering about what I was going to get from anyone and bought “one for them, two for me” just in case I didn’t get what I “wanted”.

I’d like to say that I am completely cured from wanting. But whom am I kidding? I still make a mental Christmas list. I know just a few short blogs ago I wrote about All I Want for Christmas and the list of possible gift ideas for people. Perhaps now it seems a little disengenuine that I write about another kind of giving. But today, the night before the night before Christmas, let’s just say most of my wants are different than during those of Christmases past. They are less material in nature. What I find myself wishing for more than anything tonight is to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I wish to improve as a person without beating myself up for any steps backward I may take. I wish to be more giving in my attitude and tolerant of others. I wish for good health for my entire family. I wish for peace. I wish for safe travels. I wish for the true spirit of the holidays to make itself known past the holidays and into the New Year.

To those of you who celebrate Christmas, may it be Merry. For those of you don’t, I hope you get a chance to see a good movie or do something fun on the 25^th (I saw The Fighter last week and it was a great). Until next week…