I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to discipline my children in public.  There have been times, in front of people, when I have bent down, looked them in the eyes, and with the sweetest, most syrupy voice said something like, “No, no, no, sweetie, we don’t do that”. Then when I’ve gotten them to the car, I’ve practically wanted to pull their arms out of their sockets as they’ve resisted getting into their carseats. Then I’ve uttered something about them being “Terrible!” and watched them start to cry. After these incidents, I’ve sat back breathless in my driver’s seat wondering just how I managed to get so angry in the first place? And then the guilt and the shame washed over me making me feel like I was the one who was “Terrible!”

I also can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten to the check out counter and talked with the cashier about the weather and about my plans for the weekend “blah, blah, blah”, “nice, nice, nice” then I’ve come home to my husband and crabbed at him about how hard my day was with the kids, as if it was his fault. Followed by bossing him around to help me do this and do that, without even asking him how his day was.

It is during times like these when I have felt like a psychopath. Like Jekyll and Hyde. I’ve even remarked out loud to my friends, “How is it that I could be so nice out in the world and then come home to the ones I love and act so differently? “. Growing up, I remember seeing my dad act this way. He was so social and polite to strangers and then he’d come home and bark at my mom for dinner.  I’d like to blame him, but I don’t think I can.

I have been simultaneously a “Street Angel” and a “House Devil”. I’d like to think that my personality split was just a passing phase, born out of the past seven months of post partum depression. I’d like to think that I come by this anger honestly because of my dad’s example. But figuring out why hasn’t been as powerful to me as having the awareness about my past behavior as well as the desire to change. Not being comfortable with this duality has been the first step in eradicating the problem and changing.

Before I became a mom, I didn’t dream of ever getting angry with my children. My dream children, however, were perfect. They didn’t whine, talk back, hit each other, or throw tantrums. They listened the first time and I never ever had to count to three.  They picked up their clothes, they ate their vegetables, they potty trained themselves, and they went to bed on time, sleeping through the night each and every night. Little did I know about children?

What I did discover is that my kids are brilliant. They know exactly how to get my attention and for all the times I’ve given them attention for negative behavior, they have learned that bad behavior has been the key to getting mommy to react. I never knew such tiny little fingers could push my big buttons…until now.

What has transpired over the past several months is a deeper understanding of myself and my triggers. I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but I am finding a lot of peace in not “lighting up like a Christmas tree” (as my good friend calls it) every time my kids do something that I don’t like. I recently had the opportunity to attend a workshop on Mommy Anger. The speaker talked a lot about the expectations we have as mothers. I identified a lot because when I have big expectations of my children, my husband, and mostly of myself, I have reacted with anger and frustration when those expectations weren’t met. More often than not,  I have noticed that I feel anger or frustration when the people in my life (a.k.a. my children, my husband, my dog, etc.) aren’t doing what I want them to do. So I have been frustrated a lot.

What I have been finding helpful, and something that was also discussed in the workshop, has been changing or lowering my expectations of others. For example, I had a bit of anxiety going into Thanksgiving at my father-in-law’s house. He doesn’t have it childproofed and I worried that my girls would be over the top energetic and get into everything. I talked about these fears with my friends and my husband and I came up with a plan. The plan was simple: Check my expectations at the door along with my big fat bag of anxiety and fear and have a good time with my family. I also brought along some coloring books and toys for the girls to play with. I think when my kids saw me relaxed and not bossing around their dad, they had a good time as well.

I am reminded about the time we took my two-year-old to her first movie. I wanted her so badly to keep her 3D glasses on the entire movie and make it through the whole thing without wiggling around. But when I accepted that this might not be the case and went with an attitude of “we’ll just see what happens” and adjusted accordingly, I was fine with taking her out before it was over. I accepted that it was all she could handle. I wasn’t angry because I had adjusted my expectations. I could see that she did so much better than I could have expected her too.

I also heard in the workshop, that taking care of oneself helps ensure against being triggered too easily. I started getting to bed earlier and taking naps (when I can) so I could get extra rest. I started exercising regularly to help get out pent up aggression and to get into better shape. I have also started keeping things very simple just before meal times, when my blood sugar is at it’s lowest.

Finally, I am learning that it is a choice for me to react in anger at my children. For when I do, I know that I just end up feeling badly and it really doesn’t motivate my children to do anything differently.

My training as a mommy is never ending. I am told that parenting in the early years is preparation for what’s to come when they are teenagers. Oh crap! It has been a little hard for me to admit that I’m not perfect and that perhaps the day you saw me smiling at the grocery store with my kids was the day that I went home and yelled at them for something. But I’m betting money that I am not alone and as long as I keep practicing staying calm, chances are when, and if, my horns pop out, I will promptly forgive myself and apologize. I know that the love I have for my kids and my husband will see me through anything; and with love, as they say, “anything is possible”.