Mark Twain said, “Some of the worst things in my life never even happened”. When I stumbled upon Twain’s quote, I reflected on how useless and wasteful the emotion of fear has been in my life. Although I have resonated with that quote for much of my adult life, I have also wasted a lot of time worrying about things happening or not happening. Either way I have learned that I have no control whether these things happened or not. My friends and I call it fear of impending doom. When things in life go smoothly for me I can get tripped up by fear and wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. Even as I write this, I can feel that little bit of fear creep in as if writing about it somehow I was powerful enough to make something happen. Superstition and fear are definitely brothers in my book.
Case in point, this past week I woke up to go to the bathroom. Sorry if this is too much information for anyone, but I was scared upon seeing a strange color discharge in the toilet. At 14 weeks pregnant, I felt I was safe from losing my baby. Because I had never seen such a thing with my previous two pregnancies, I panicked. Fear crept in and I woke up my husband at 3:00 am to be with me. He was so calm and cool and he told me not to worry, it didn’t look like fresh blood or anything to be concerned about. I didn’t have any cramping and there wasn’t any more after that initial bit. However, I was fear stricken, and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I waited until it was a respectable hour then called my OB/GYN.
Later that day I was in the OB’s office and was relieved to see the sonogram of my little one floating and kicking in my uterus. Apparently, my placenta is close to my cervix hence the little bit of brownish reddish that appeared in my toilet earlier that morning. I left with a feeling of relief and reassurance that my little one was okay.
Later I wondered if it had been the news I received earlier that week from a friend who had lost her baby that sent me reeling? Is this a fear that all moms to be go through? I don’t remember worrying so much about miscarriage in my last pregnancies. I know it’s normal for women to think about these things but for me with my history of impending doom I think it’s better that I not. Instead, just for today I’m going to enjoy the fact that I am pregnant. Just for today, I do have a healthy pregnancy. Just for today, I will remember Twain’s quote and think, my life is great, so fear get lost!